I have been huddled in indistinguishable spaces; hiding…missing my own life; again.  I had grown accustomed to the once enchanting cave I wandered into, which became a portal back to a darkness I attempted to leave behind. 

 

This…cavern became the place where I forced my soul to fit into, despite her screaming and defiant outbursts.  I shushed her, pleading with her to sit still, quietly, acquiescing to the obscurity. 

 

She sat restlessly, patiently, knowingly.  Eventually convincing me again that this place was not our home despite its glossy veneers, its melodic rhetoric’s and poetic intentions.  She knew… we were confined by the darkness of denial which would lose its hold once we ventured past the imaginary parapets and construed realities.

 

With squinty eyes, I place my hand in hers.  I stagger clumsily, tripping over the mendacities that kept me anesthetized, past the shattered records of twisted words and voices.  Toward the truth; which I had long ago betrayed. 

 

The daylight flickers with warmth and a surprising console. The clocks have carried on and life is noticeably a bit more weathered than when I was last here.  The wild flowers are scattered in bursts of brilliance and simplicity, color once more.  The wind strokes against my brown flesh…I inhale, finally… once again the daylight makes my eyes squint, as they have become accustomed to the darkness.  I hold tightly to her.  I trust her now fully; perhaps only.   I am sorry that I ever stopped…she, I have forgotten is wise and kind, is knowing and beautiful, is all I want to be and become.  “I am so sorry,” I clinch her hand, “that I have betrayed you again…forgotten all we have endured, survived, learned.”  She walks with me in the quiet calm and stands at my side through the swells of grief that often roll over me, still. 

 

I squint as I look towards the sun, “the daylight hurts my eyes,” I quietly share.  She places her hand across my heart and gently answers, “It probably always will.”