I sat with crossed legs in the sunken in green chair in his non-descript office.  There were knots in my stomach, as I waited my turn to try to squeeze my story into several ten-minute segments.  Surprisingly, I got through most of it without crying.  “ I’m very confused,” might have been the only thing I was certain of. 

 

He probed with a question sprinkled here and there.  He listened, he watched.  He heard the words I may have recited a million times in a million introductions and interfacings.  I bypassed years, decades in a matter of seconds, ever cognizant of the time.  “ I want to be fixed, and I want to be well, but I know there won’t be enough time, so maybe if I speak quickly and outline all the bullet points…we can make notable progress,” is the record that played in my head. 

 

He asked me if I was good at convincing other people that I am usually doing well.  I was stomped…” well, yes, I suppose I am.”  I realize mostly it is because I have made such strides and efforts to convince firstly, myself that I am Ok.  He asked me If I allowed myself to be sad, to cry….

 

I talked about how I sometimes hide in the back of the Theatre for some sappy movie with the intention of letting myself weep profusely.  It has worked for me, and I guess I didn’t realize that It…that grief, had a place.  I just made peace with the random liaison we had worked out with one another.  Now, it appears to be the long lost piece of myself that I have needed, and only allowed in controlled increments. 

 

He assessed that there were unconscious scripts that I have been living out, without knowing it.  I think he’s right.  It’s as if all my life I have been underneath this thing, colossal, that has kept me from living.  So if to face it and name it, give it shape and voice will finally allow me to live freely…then of course, I will learn the language of this version of myself that has for too long had hand in my dreams and my living. 

 

The hour was finished, and as I left…I began to anticipate what it would be like once I have cut through the tangles and can finally open the door to my life, which has for far too long, eluded me.