I have a friend who makes me laugh out loud.  She is beautiful and smart, and witty.  She is down to earth in a surprising, refreshing way and she is adjustedly …imperfect.

 

She felt safe enough to share with me that she used to use cocaine with frequency, and that she had done it again recently.  I listened… grateful for her trust.  Hoping she knew that she was safe, and that I loved her. 

 

There was a time, when it was all so very black and white for me.  I knew exactly what was and wasn’t.  The lines were bold and three-dimensional.

 

I traveled on a day trip for work today.  As I sat looking out the windows at the clouds and the brilliant setting sun reflecting off the seemingly miles of cushiony heaven, the plane began to descend sharply… as my body felt the pull of the dissension, my thoughts faded dark for a moment…” God, it would be Ok if it just went down.”  “ Please, God, just let it go down.”  And then the moment passed as I remembered that sitting around me were people with families and lives… full.  So I retracted my selfish thought slash prayer.  I proceeded to cry myself to sleep, as the passenger on the side of me couldn’t help the periodic glance.

 

I would never reach for a narcotic personally.  But I am beginning to ask strong questions as to what drug of choice I should reach for.

 

My friend shared with me yesterday that serving underprivileged children is what gives his life purpose today.  Admittedly, I am not feeling so noble.

 

I know that God promises to fill the voids…so why, after all my feeble efforts, do so many still remain?  And what is the true gain of staying present in the face of giants?  Why can’t I scream sometimes?   Why can’t I turn away from all the stupid pain?   When is ok to finally say…”enough?”   “ Enough.”   Enough…