Yesterday the sun radiated like a dainty bride floating across a room in a Vera Wang gown.  It was stunning.  The day began with a friend accompanying me to see more places that made the princess inside of me scream in ear shattering decimals.   We were scheduled to spend the day packing.  I could only obsess, and wonder what I should do. 

 

A thousand windows and roads overlapped in my thoughts.  I was distorted and tangled intellectually, emotionally, spiritually.

 

The darkness moshing inside of me could barely be contained by my own skin.  It was screaming, discontented, relentless…

 

I called my ex and attacked him, I blamed him.  I screamed, “ do you know where your choices have f***n left us?” “  Do you realize what our lives look like, now?”  My words were reaching for his throat, attempting to wring, to destroy. 

 

I was drowning…and it was a holiday. 

 

Our call ended in my abrupt hang up.  I cried to my friend and begged, “ What should I do?” “ God has to help me, help me to know.”

 

As the day began saying it’s unhurried good nights, I called him back.  “  I’m sorry that I lashed out at you.  I am angry, and afraid.”  “ I was wrong to speak to you that way, please forgive me, I left on his voicemail.” 

 

I called another friend; feeling misplaced…desperately reaching for something to anchor to.  “ This is the last of the worst,” she explained.  “ Besides him leaving, this is the next hardest thing you will have to face.”  In hearing her words…my soul had begun to be released from the darkness that had been marinating inside of me. I cried for hours, “ Jesus…I whispered.”

 

Close to midnight, I received a text from my ex saying, “ I have been praying for you, and I have a message from God.” “ Write about what you want your life to look like, how you want your future to be.”  For a second, the cynic in me thought did God mention anything about our family in that message.  Then I was greatly humbled, by the knowing that we are all sinners, saved by grace alone.    His words danced in my heart, and they spoke peace to my soul.  I was free to dream and hope again…

 

HE shows me constantly, that His ways are not my own.  That His mercy, grace and love is available to all of us…everyone.    And that His strong, unchanging hand is never too short to reach. 

 

And I…I am free to dream again …