I received an email on yesterday from someone who had walked through a similar trial in their marriage, family and life, recently. 

 

After a lengthy separation and forward motions towards divorce…it seems that repentance has taken place. 

 

The ‘ what next,’ is unknown for them of yet.  I know I should rejoice with my friend in this huge seemingly miracle.  Truth is, when I got the email, I shut my office door and wept for every narcissistic reason imaginable. 

 

I proceeded to write this email to one of my amazing friends:

 

Hey there,

 

I was wondering if I could come to you for some accountability, prayer, and chastisement if needed and… just to share.

 

I received an email from a friend who has walked thru a somewhat similar situation with her marriage.  We have  shared with one another, and I got this email today, outlining her husband’s steps towards repentance and recovery.

 

I have encouraged her in the past that I would love to see healing for her family.  But when I read this in my office this afternoon, a deep sense of jealousy and hurt flooded over me.  I found myself asking, ” God, why not my family, my husband and my marriage?  I cannot find my way yet to be happy for her, and I know that sucks.  I advise my girls often on the dangers of comparing our lives with others. 

 

But I still find myself screaming in my own head, WHY???  Did I not pray loudly enough, or fast long enough?  Was my family not worth the reach? 

 

I feel so angry; mostly I guess that God would heal others, and not all.  And I know that is the wrong attitude, only…It is some of what I am feeling and thinking. 

 

So…just needed to mention it to someone, so that It would not consume me. 

Thanks for listening: > 

 

…I know that the Holy Spirit is moving me deftly towards a place of healing, but it hurts so much still in the meantime.

Last weekend I was invited to a dinner party commemorating the three-month anniversary of the death of my friend Abby Jill, who spilled life out everywhere she went.  Who with stage four cancer kept her heart open to the possibility of love, marriage, healing…miracles; whatever shape they took. She lost her battle with cancer, yet others emerge as victors and have lives of longevity.  Some are healed, but not all…at least not this side of heaven.  Abby’s life, once again reminds, and dares me to live copiously, anyway.